[randomly and apropos of nothing...]I'm daily amazed by what my slow, awkward march towards adulthood yields. As a child, I was terrified at the thought of "growing up." It seemed to involve more yelling and check writing than I imagined myself capable of. Oh, to live in the bosom of ignorance and innocent naval gazing forever, accompanied by the tiny treasures only a child could love (strawberry scented erasers, etc). I was forced into worrying and getting a job much earlier than I'd hoped (pre-pubescent early) and got on the conveyor belt to Grown Up Land, ill-equipped and putting on a brave face, with no real idea what I was intended to do, other than constant damage control. I've lived for years like this, part adult/part child, with no understanding of how to actually become one and leave the other behind gracefully.
Slowly, and with so much goodness, God (or something) has fed me tiny scraps of adult knowledge. Recently, and later than anyone else but at just the right time, I have learned how to quietly look away from the thoughts that can undo me (the idea of aloneness, for example). Simple self-preservation has crept into my arsenal of survival techniques, winning out (when it needs to) over giving-my-all or telling-the-whole-truth, which have long masqueraded as the highest virtues.
The 20's are amazing in their gut-wrenching beauty and constant, ridiculous epiphanies. I live in a new kind of bosom, complete with a new kind of self-absorbtion: learning to understand me. And I've got a new set of tiny treasures, fit for grown-up ladies... found objects tucked into pockets, bits of string for future projects, and a kernel of hope that everything will be okay.
P.S. many thanks to the friends who came out to party on Sunday... I was reminded (right when I needed it) just how blessed I am, how safe in all your arms.
P.P.S. maybe this blog isn't so random... i'm moving into my own grown-up, one bedroom apt this weekend. see green living room above (now sadly white, thanks to the boring mngmt company).
